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27 October 2014 @ 11:43 pm
it is well...with my soul  
On rare occasions, I diminish into silence, into solitude. Once, it was a grand part of my life. I would go to class, come to my dorm room, and become a hermit until the next day. What may be a lonely thing to many was a blessing for me. Sometimes the room would be silent and other times, music or the television would vibrate around me. No matter what I chose, solitude stood at the forefront. And most times, I was content. Though there would be times of loneliness, I had this journal and a group of good friends to keep me company.

In recent years, my alone time has become extinct. At work I am surrounded by people and I have to be available all the time (socially speaking). So I have grown accustomed to speaking when I would have melted into the background before. So much so that I was beginning to believe my introverted tendencies had deserted me. But I've discovered that I only speak to alleviate awkwardness within myself. It feels more like a mask than a true part of myself. So I have been working on finding a balance between speaking and silence. I'm beginning to remember that sometimes it's better to say nothing than to contribute to conversations I have no true interest in. It's funny how I studied psychology and social psychology in college but I still fall into these kinds of traps. Ah well, maybe I'll find a way back to myself so I won't trip into these holes that only make me feel worse instead of better. I think it's because social interaction is unavoidable in my work environment and in the past, I could avoid people I did not care to speak to. It's not the case now. So I try harder than I should.

But social expectation doesn't end at work, it extends to my home life as well. I'm constantly surrounded by family. Which is not bad in and of itself, but I don't have many occasions to truly be alone. I can lock myself in my room but there are still...sounds. The constant noise from the tv and interaction between other family members. I did not realize how much affected me until today. Today I was truly alone, with the silence of the house. And it was glorious. I curled up on the couch with Tigerlilly at my feet and read a book. Once I became too chilled, I sat outside and continued to read on the porch. Occasional sounds broke into the silence but they were more manageable sounds. The gentle crunch of gravel beneath tire wheels and the whooshing of the wind. Peace spread throughout me. There was space in my mind for thoughts, as irregular and bizarre as they often can be. It's a strange thing to explain but it was what I needed. To heal. To pray. To think. To simply be. It's like I try to find that connection to my inner self, to my heart, to my soul but have no success until I stop trying. Until I'm floating in silence and the world spills back in. My empathy and inner peace is back in full force. And it feels good.

It's a feeling I hope I can hold onto in the upcoming week. But this time away from work is allowing me to rest: body, mind, and soul. Of course, I felt a hole form in my heart as I looked at an old picture of Rufus this morning. I saw him on Friday but tears still filled my eyes. For what reason, I don't know. Perhaps it's just as simple as...I miss him. I have a very special feeling/relationship with him...almost like he's my child. So I do miss him when I'm away from work too long. It's not the clients I need a break from, it's just people and life in general.