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27 November 2016 @ 09:17 pm
the start of the season  
Once again, it has been a long while since I've written here. Sometimes I wonder "how can that be?" when this place used to be a place of safety and understanding for me. I once composed entries in my head as I walked across my college campus. I used to be unable to jot all my thoughts down once I got back to my computer and this empty page. Sometimes I knew nothing at all until my fingers danced across the keys. Now my life is an endless stream of sameness. Wake up, get ready for work, go to work, come home, watch TV, do various things on the computer, feed the cat, and go to bed. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. I guess that's pat of getting older, you fall into routine and the things that were once part of it aren't any longer. They're some strange, faraway dream you once had but can't quite remember.

I think it's become easier to dodge my own feelings and thoughts in an attempt to get through the days, weeks, months. Sometimes I just rather not know what's going on inside me. But then there are times I wish I could come back here with the ease I once had. Maybe it was easier then because I was constantly alone with my thoughts and needed a way to get them out of me. Now I go to God with those things and seek His truth and answers. Not that there isn't even confusion within that. Sometimes in an effort to discover more, I get lost in the opinions of others. And it just leads to a listlessness that I don't know how to pray around. No one ever said spiritual growth came easily. He only ever promised us rest.

Anyway, I came here today because I wanted to document good things that I wanted to remember. And that's a good reason to come back here--maybe it will help me to keep coming back after today. I hope so at least because writing in here has helped me with memory and for delving into thoughts I usually wouldn't. I've always expressed myself better in the written word than the spoken one. And I've been in a bit of a funk lately-one that I don't completely understand. But one that might stem from the time of year it is-the time of Trinh's birthday and of course, the holiday season. Last year, after many tears and prayers, Trinh was put into the hospital and released from the facility I work at. This was the first year I have not seen her on her birthday. Nor have I seen her since March which feels strange itself. She taught me so much in the five years we were together-that blood is not the only thing that bonds people together. That you can love someone purely and deeply without a blood bond. That you can find joy in all things, even the sad ones. And one day, when we're in heaven, I hope we find each other and say all the things we could never say to one another. Loving her made me a better and more patient person. No matter where I go, I'll always carry her in my heart. And I'll probably always well up a little inside when I think of her.

That's not the only thing though-last year my grandfather, Lee, passed away shortly after we returned from a trip to Ireland. He suffered from Alzheimer's for years, but he never completely forgot us. I miss him this time of year. We put out walnuts like he always did. We bought a squirrel ornament last year in memory of him. He loved the squirrels that ran around the yard and he had names for them. Seeing that ornament on the tree is almost like having him here with us. I know a lot of people are sad this time of year because of lost loved ones but for me it's the opposite. It's a time to remember the people who we loved. The dove ornament with his name on it is hanging near the top of the tree. We all have ornaments with our names on them-it's something grandma did for all of us. I think it's fitting that his ornament is a dove, a symbol of peace. He was an intelligent and gentle and patient man. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and really listen to some of the stories he told. He always told long stories and it's something I miss now. I miss the way he stuttered over some of his words and the way he held a pen (he was left handed). I miss the way he said "Nikki Nikki Nikki" or "it'll all come out in the wash". Or the way he'd hug me tightly when we hadn't seen each other in a while. I miss hearing him laugh at Archie Bunker and Family Feud. It's always the little things you remember about someone and I think it's those little things that keep them with you. In the end, he found God again so I know we'll see each other again.

For Christmas this year, for the first time, we got a real tree. It's different than what I'm used to. But there's something special about seeing the lights twinkle off real branches and over beloved ornaments. And it was fun to hang them with mom with Christmas playing in the background. There was a quiet serenity to the ritual this year. Christmas means a lot to me as an adult because of all the meaning behind it. When I remember it's a celebration of the birth of Christ, it makes me well up inside. Having the tree up already is nice, especially since today was the first day of advent. Its been a good start to the advent season. I feel my spirits lifting, bit by bit as I write here and reflect on the past few days. I know I still have so far to walk but God will not let me fall astray.

Until next time.
 
 
feeling: nostalgicnostalgic